What Do You Do When Someone You Love is KILLING Themselves

19 05 2010

I feel so lost, I’ve always tried to be somewhat healthy, even before embracing this challenge, and now I’ve kicked it into high gear.  I have been trying to get my boyfriend to do this with me, one because its easier to do with a buddy and two because he NEEDS this (probably more than I do).   He’s Russian, he immigrated over when he was six and his family is big on meat and potato meals and using real sugar, real cream and real butter on EVERYTHING.  However, most of the people in his family are active and have kept off the weight (I haven’t inquired into their cholesterol or anything its not my place) but my boyfriend goes to work and promptly plops on the couch to play video games and watch tv before going to bed.  This is his routine EVERYDAY.  He was a larger guy when I met him, about 6ft 3in and 230lbs, but he has gained a considerable amount of weight in the two and a half years we’ve been together.

Today I was using Wii Fit and I told him we should set up a profile for him.  He argued about it for about an hour before he finally gave in (only after I PROMISED that he wouldn’t have to do any of the workouts today) and I was shocked by the results.  To be clear he was under the impression that he weighed no more than 250lbs (although he refuses to weigh himself) so when the Wii Fit weighed him in at a whopping 307lbs with almost a 38 BMI we were both shocked (him more than me I think).  I almost cried when he stepped off and went back to his bag of Fritos and his video games like the number on the screen didn’t matter.

He is also a heavy smoker, although I did finally convince him to order one of those electronic cigarettes hoping it will help him quit (since the patch, gum and prescription medication didn’t “work” for him).

I’ve been trying to cook healthy food for both of us, but healthy food is still unhealthy when eaten in excess, which is exactly what he’s doing, eating double and sometimes triple the recommended serving size.  And don’t get me wrong, I understand that his daily caloric intake will be higher than mine, I’m not trying to force him to eat 1200 calories a day, but he is well exceeding even 2000 calories a day and lives a sedentary lifestyle 😦

When I try to talk to him about anything he shuts down and its no better than talking to a brick wall.  To him I’ve become a “nag” and its hurting our relationship.  I love him, I do.  We’ve talked about getting married and starting a life together, but I’m starting to wonder what kind of life we could possibly have together if he’s willing to throw away his health and his life so that he can enjoy sitting around and eating junk food?

He also has medical problems (likely due to his weight and smoking) but he REFUSES to go to the doctor and get checked out.  He uses flimsy excuses like he “hates doctors” or “we have better things to spend our money on” but seriously, what’s more important than the one irreplaceable thing you have-YOUR HEALTH???

I’m worried that I’m going to end up pushing him away if I keep “nagging” him…but I only do it because I love him and I want us to have a long healthy life together.  I don’t want him to have a heart attack or be diagnosed with lung cancer and have to be on a respirator and not be able to spend time with our family and do everything we’ve always dreamed of doing…

I’m so lost…

What do I do….?




5 responses

20 05 2010

My sister in law is having the same problem with my brother actually. While she’s trying to follow Weight Watchers, he’s just not into it. He’s diabetic, overweight, and has health problems like your guy, too, but he’s choosing to ignore it. Even though he lost weight when he was diagnosed with diabetes, he’s still overweight and living a pretty unhealthy lifestyle. We thought that the diabetes thing would be a wake-up call but it really wasn’t, which makes me think he just doesn’t really care…And if he doesn’t care about himself, then nobody can make him care, you know?

Making the decision to be healthy through a proper diet and exercise is a huge choice that is only made when the individual truly wants it. This is probably why no matter how awesome my sister in law, my boyfriend, and I are doing on WW together, my brother still won’t be part of it. Why? Because he doesn’t really want to change…It’s a choice that he’s going to have to make that nobody can force it on him.

Do you think your guy may be intimidated or afraid of giving it a shot? Maybe he’s starting to get scared that he’s going to lose you because you’re changing physically and mentally for the better? Change is scary like that. Whatever the case may be, try to discuss it with him in a non-confrontational way (I know it’s tough!) and find out what’s going on inside his head before making a decision about whether or not you guys should stay together.

WOW that was really long! Have a great night and PS I added a link to your blog on mine 🙂

Best wishes,

21 05 2010

Wow that was a great response! Thank you! I think you’re right that he’s scared of change, but maybe he’s finally getting the idea (I caught him looking at personal trainers online, but he minimized it when he noticed I was there). I can only hope that he decides this is something we can do together 🙂

I’ve added you to my blog roll too 🙂

Best wishes,

21 05 2010

Awesome to hear that your guy was (secretly) looking into some healthy solutions!! I hope that he decides to work with you on getting healthier, too. It definitely helps make the process fun 🙂

Looking forward to more of your entries, Sara!


28 05 2010

I just read this post but noticed it was a week or so ago. So I was just wondering how things are getting on? I can only imagine how much harder it is on you and your health to watch someone eating so unhealthily. If it were me I would probably just break down and eat with him. It’s really awesome you can stay strong.

29 05 2010

Well thank you 🙂

It has been hard, thankfully we have a great mutual friend that saw the strain in was putting on our relationship and intervened. Apparently guys can’t handle being spoken to about health issues by their significant other (or at least my guy can’t) but once our guy friend talked to him he’s actually started eating better, he bought one of those electronic cigarettes to help him with the nicotine cravings (but without the chemicals) and has started going to the gym and working out with a personal trainer. So things have gotten much better in just a short amount of time. Its never easy to hear someone point out your bad habits, it wasn’t easy to do to myself, I’m just glad he finally decided to jump on the bandwagon. Because I want him to be around for a long, long time 🙂

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